I guess I'l just start. I'm not really sure who I'm writing to, or for what reason. I just know it's something I should do. The last week has easily been the weirdest yet greatest, smoothest yet most difficult time of my entire life. And, of course, I don't want to blame you. It's not your fault, or your problem really. It's me. And it's mine.
I like you, a lot, in many ways. I believe you're a good person. I also know how impossible I am. I don't know how you feel, and I never really did. Therefore, all of of my beliefs, thoughts, and actions, were based on assumptions. But I think wrapping your arm around someone and holding their hand is pretty damn convincing sign that you like them. Regardless, I freaked you out. I tend to to do that; I push away the good things that come into my life.
There really is something you should know, though. I guess it won't matter now, but the words in that book, they shouldn't be taken seriously. Sure, they mean something. They mean a lot, especially to me. But, it's fiction. They're just based on how I feel. As an "artist" (and I use that term very loosely, because I feel stupid saying it) I build these stories out of what's going on in my life and my emotions at the time. I can write this totally unreal song about doing this insane things, doesn't mean I would ever even think about doing them. Unfortunately, those songs I wrote about you were extremely, um, passionate. I wouldn't say I was obsessed with you by any means, but I was loving what was happening. I was becoming friends with this cute, cool girl and she inspired me to write music. So yeah, I wrote some sappy love songs about you. Anyone who gets close to me usually gets a song about them, somehow. It's just the way I am. I'm sorry I don't come with a disclaimer or a warning, maybe I should. Either way, I should've told you that from the beginning. But no, I was proud of my work and you seemed intrigued. What could go wrong, right? I mean, they're quality songs. But obviously you didn't understand where I was coming from. And rightfully so, I wouldn't have either.
I guess I just wish it wouldn't have happened the way it did. I wish you would've said something about it, or I would've asked about why you were acting differently.
Want to know the worst part about all of it? I feel the same way you do. I understand where you're at with your life. I know it's got to be rough, and I wouldn't want to put anything on you that you couldn't handle. I like taking things slow. I want to. I just wanted to be in your life. I would be whatever you needed me to be. And things would be lovely.
Unfortunately, taking it anywhere doesn't seem like much of an option now.
But that's alright. Live and let die, and learn. I feel like I deserved much of what happened. I grew from it. I know myself better, I have a tighter grasp on my lifestyle and mindset. I'm a musician. I'm always going to take more from people I come into contact with than I could ever give back to them. It's sad, but not really at all. I sacrifice what I want for what I love. I want you, but I love my art and expression.
And if you're not willing to want me, I can't let that bother me. Ever. Because I will always feel the way I feel, there's nothing you can say or do to change that. As long as I have those emotions, I can put them into something tangible to others I know that's what I want to do with my life and how I want to live it.
As for you, of course I don't expect to hear from or see you again; as much as I want to. I'm sure I'm the last thing you expected to come into your life. And now, I'm sure I'm the last thing you want in your life.
I'm also a little melodramatic bitch, but that's probably part of my personality, too. I'll write a song about it or something.
