I’ve lost all sense of feeling
I’m lost in this thing you call healing
I forgot about the promises I made
It’s because of the same ones you made
This will, never be right with me
The way I felt I know you’ll never see
I can’t imagine myself without you
But I’m afraid that I’m going to lose you
Tell me Haley, is this what you wanted
Baby, our love is haunted
Maybe, I won’t move on
So save me, two weeks too long
Now I’m stuck with knowing that I can’t have you
This pain is worse than living without you
I’m so happy you can laugh and move up from here
I’m going back and falling down in fear
And I’ll miss the times we talked all night
When we said everything would be alright
I get it now, you don’t want to talk
But I can’t speak because these tears have blocked
Out all the thoughts circling in my head
And blurred my vision so I close my eyes instead
Tell me Haley, is this what you wanted
Baby, our love is haunted
Maybe, I won’t move on
So save me, two weeks too long
I gave it back and you took it away
True love but it was you that didn’t stay
Now I’m trying to think of the right words to say
Haley
Tell me this what you wanted
We’re apart and I should’ve fought it
Maybe now I’ll never move on
So save me, two weeks too long
I had never been so alone
Before my final chance was blown
I’m scared you won’t know me anymore
I’m burnt out because I’ve lost her
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Bad bad bad
I have so much to say. I could go on forever.
But I can't speak or put it down on paper.
I need to do this.
I need to get this down so I know how I feel.
I'm heartbroken.
Crushed.
I opened up. I loved you. All I wanted was to be with you.
I gave you another chance after everything we'd tried before failed.
Everything was perfect. Things couldn't have been better.
It was so right.
I can't believe this happened. I don't know why.
I can't even think about it.
I'm not okay and I swear I never will be.
I've said it before, but this time I mean it.
That's a promise you can keep.
I don't understand why you feel like that.
It's stupid.
If you really, honestly loved me, you'd see that it will have to end at some point.
Of course.
Everything does.
But it's not about when it ends, it's about us enjoying it as much as we can before it does.
Not worrying about it ending or the hurt that comes with it.
Having fun and loving each other while we can.
I can't imagine telling you I love you now.
I never want to.
I know you'll regret this.
I know you will.
You always do.
You always always do.
And you always hurt me.
You have caused me more pain in the last year than I've ever felt before.
I've never felt like I did tonight.
I felt so weak and stupid.
Stupid for letting you in and trusting you with my feelings.
Stupid for loving you back.
Stupid for thinking it was a good thing to be with you.
All you've ever done is hurt me, why would this be any different?
I wish doing this would make me feel better.
It just makes me more upset.
I won't get over it this time.
Not now.
I said that. Any time but now.
A year from now is fine.
Just now. It's too soon.
I love you far too much to let go.
I honestly wish I'd never met you.
You've done me so much more bad than you have good.
And now, I can't let you go.
It's not worth it.
No way.
I want it to be. It would have been.
But no.
You couldn't just let this be.
Everyone has questions and doubts about things. You can't let them bother you.
You've gotta be stronger than this.
True love would be.
I'm willing to be.
I told you that what you originally wanted would work.
I understood where you were coming from.
But that's not what you want.
I'm not what you want.
You don't want to get hurt or hurt me.
But I guarantee I'll never be more hurt that I am now.
I've never wanted to be sick before.
But I do now.
Sick from the pain.
I seriously want to give up.
I want to say I don't care.
I don't want to.
But I know I do.
I do care and I want to convince you that this isn't right.
This is so wrong.
It shouldn't be like this and I know it.
I can't feel this way.
I can't feel alone like I do now.
And no one else can do anything about it.
I feel like I lost my best friend.
I did.
I need you, but not like this.
I can't let you go.
But I can't speak or put it down on paper.
I need to do this.
I need to get this down so I know how I feel.
I'm heartbroken.
Crushed.
I opened up. I loved you. All I wanted was to be with you.
I gave you another chance after everything we'd tried before failed.
Everything was perfect. Things couldn't have been better.
It was so right.
I can't believe this happened. I don't know why.
I can't even think about it.
I'm not okay and I swear I never will be.
I've said it before, but this time I mean it.
That's a promise you can keep.
I don't understand why you feel like that.
It's stupid.
If you really, honestly loved me, you'd see that it will have to end at some point.
Of course.
Everything does.
But it's not about when it ends, it's about us enjoying it as much as we can before it does.
Not worrying about it ending or the hurt that comes with it.
Having fun and loving each other while we can.
I can't imagine telling you I love you now.
I never want to.
I know you'll regret this.
I know you will.
You always do.
You always always do.
And you always hurt me.
You have caused me more pain in the last year than I've ever felt before.
I've never felt like I did tonight.
I felt so weak and stupid.
Stupid for letting you in and trusting you with my feelings.
Stupid for loving you back.
Stupid for thinking it was a good thing to be with you.
All you've ever done is hurt me, why would this be any different?
I wish doing this would make me feel better.
It just makes me more upset.
I won't get over it this time.
Not now.
I said that. Any time but now.
A year from now is fine.
Just now. It's too soon.
I love you far too much to let go.
I honestly wish I'd never met you.
You've done me so much more bad than you have good.
And now, I can't let you go.
It's not worth it.
No way.
I want it to be. It would have been.
But no.
You couldn't just let this be.
Everyone has questions and doubts about things. You can't let them bother you.
You've gotta be stronger than this.
True love would be.
I'm willing to be.
I told you that what you originally wanted would work.
I understood where you were coming from.
But that's not what you want.
I'm not what you want.
You don't want to get hurt or hurt me.
But I guarantee I'll never be more hurt that I am now.
I've never wanted to be sick before.
But I do now.
Sick from the pain.
I seriously want to give up.
I want to say I don't care.
I don't want to.
But I know I do.
I do care and I want to convince you that this isn't right.
This is so wrong.
It shouldn't be like this and I know it.
I can't feel this way.
I can't feel alone like I do now.
And no one else can do anything about it.
I feel like I lost my best friend.
I did.
I need you, but not like this.
I can't let you go.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
So I'm in a bad place with worse people
I'm not concerned with the fact that I'm the only person who still does.
I don't know how to start.
Maybe with that I'm uncomfortable.
With many things.
For one. That I can't hold trust in this source. It has a leak.
A large one.
And you take full advantage of it.
I guess that's my fault.
Regardless. It bugs me.
But half is never understood any way.
I could start writing in Spanish.
Quiero mas.
Si.
Mas que esto.
Nah.
But it's true.
I can't get over knowing that.
I'm not happy about it.
Ignore it like usual, but it gets to me.
Hard for you, you say.
It's my worst nightmare.
I feel like I have to write in some secret language you don't understand.
Hypothetical situation.
I'm gonna wake up one morning, and you'll be gone.
Forever.
I'm not willing to compromise like that.
That's not a compromise.
That's nothing.
And this is nothing if this will turn into that.
So please.
Tell me what to do.
Tell me I'm just another reason.
Just another one.
I know I can handle it.
I have before.
I will again.
Tell me that this is all you care about. Ever and ever.
Change of mind versus change of heart
I'm scared to think this is a change of heart.
Just be honest. Don't lie to me.
Now or later.
Not now and later.
Or in the end.
It has to happen any way, why make it happen more than it has to.
If you get it done now, sure, it'll be painless.
But it will also have no meaning.
No concern.
No care.
No love.
Nada.
On my behalf.
"I waved goodbye to a place where everybody knew my name
Left my blue-eyed girl
Starring out the window in the rain
Told her when I met her that I had to hit the road
Now I wish I never met her cuz I cannot let her go
Hearts break, but that’s alright with me"
Feelings I can't shake since you're leaving me
"I wanna turn us all around
Now
Take a step down
How can we all get along,
When we’re so violent and young?"
Violent and Young by Iglu & Hartly
I don't know how to start.
Maybe with that I'm uncomfortable.
With many things.
For one. That I can't hold trust in this source. It has a leak.
A large one.
And you take full advantage of it.
I guess that's my fault.
Regardless. It bugs me.
But half is never understood any way.
I could start writing in Spanish.
Quiero mas.
Si.
Mas que esto.
Nah.
But it's true.
I can't get over knowing that.
I'm not happy about it.
Ignore it like usual, but it gets to me.
Hard for you, you say.
It's my worst nightmare.
I feel like I have to write in some secret language you don't understand.
Hypothetical situation.
I'm gonna wake up one morning, and you'll be gone.
Forever.
I'm not willing to compromise like that.
That's not a compromise.
That's nothing.
And this is nothing if this will turn into that.
So please.
Tell me what to do.
Tell me I'm just another reason.
Just another one.
I know I can handle it.
I have before.
I will again.
Tell me that this is all you care about. Ever and ever.
Change of mind versus change of heart
I'm scared to think this is a change of heart.
Just be honest. Don't lie to me.
Now or later.
Not now and later.
Or in the end.
It has to happen any way, why make it happen more than it has to.
If you get it done now, sure, it'll be painless.
But it will also have no meaning.
No concern.
No care.
No love.
Nada.
On my behalf.
"I waved goodbye to a place where everybody knew my name
Left my blue-eyed girl
Starring out the window in the rain
Told her when I met her that I had to hit the road
Now I wish I never met her cuz I cannot let her go
Hearts break, but that’s alright with me"
Feelings I can't shake since you're leaving me
"I wanna turn us all around
Now
Take a step down
How can we all get along,
When we’re so violent and young?"
Violent and Young by Iglu & Hartly
Monday, November 2, 2009
My Worst Nightmare
I think what pisses me off the most is that I knew something was wrong.
I had a feeling.
And I should've done more to make sure you were okay.
But I trusted you.
I loved you.
I let my guard down for you to be in my life.
I wanted so badly to be with you.
I let you gain my trust.
You promised me.
And you said you loved me.
And this is what you do to me.
This is your "I love you too"
I don't even want to talk to you
Ever.
I swear this time I mean it.
I'm not mad about what you did. That I honestly don't care about.
But I'm upset beyond belief that would you break the trust we had going.
In my eyes, you basically told me our love doesn't mean anything to you.
It meant something so huge to me.
And you crushed it.
All the freaking times you gave me crap.
And now you turn around and do that same thing.
You're ridiculous.
I don't want to be with you.
I don't want to love you.
I don't want you in my life.
All that I said about you and me
The love that I had doesn’t mean a thing
If I can’t trust you when you turn away
How can I love you any way?
The night before we made a promise
You lied to my face I’m fed up with this
It hurts me more than I ever thought it would
I don’t want to say no but I know I should
It’s not just one more hill for me
To get over gracefully
Why is it so hard for you to see?
It’s a climb I can’t make there’s no maybe
It’s time for you to move on now
You know you’ve lost out on me somehow
I hear my phone ring but I can’t answer
The shaking is making my hands hurt
You told me that I was pushing you away
I’m crying out but you can’t hear me
Your drunken jokes aren’t funny to me
This hurts me more than you’ll ever see
It’s not just a regret it’s a matter of trust
I loved you so much I guess it wasn’t enough
But now you have buried me
Under the hopes of what we could be
I though you changed, you’re better than this
But you’re the same girl I don’t miss
I let you in but you’re shutting me out
This unbearable pain makes me want to shout
At you for the wrong you’ve done
I think our time has finally come
All that you told and all you said
Was lost in translation now I’m lost instead
I don’t want to touch you or see your face
The stress you’ve caused me isn’t worth your taste
I let my guard down because of our love
But after tonight I guess there is none
You were so good for so long my dear
But you slipped up with my worst fear
Third times a charm I wish it was
For all of them but I guess not for us
I showed you off and bragged to my friends
It’s really too bad it has to end
You always made fun of them for this
Now you know, I guess you couldn’t resist
I felt so bad I shouldn’t have let
You go out alone; it’s my fault I guess
But now it’s too late you’ve already crossed
The line that was drawn, my heart’s the cost
So fall asleep on the couch with your friends
Wake up in the morning and talk to me again
Dream of me sweetheart, for one last night
Because tomorrow I’ll be gone for one last time
I had a feeling.
And I should've done more to make sure you were okay.
But I trusted you.
I loved you.
I let my guard down for you to be in my life.
I wanted so badly to be with you.
I let you gain my trust.
You promised me.
And you said you loved me.
And this is what you do to me.
This is your "I love you too"
I don't even want to talk to you
Ever.
I swear this time I mean it.
I'm not mad about what you did. That I honestly don't care about.
But I'm upset beyond belief that would you break the trust we had going.
In my eyes, you basically told me our love doesn't mean anything to you.
It meant something so huge to me.
And you crushed it.
All the freaking times you gave me crap.
And now you turn around and do that same thing.
You're ridiculous.
I don't want to be with you.
I don't want to love you.
I don't want you in my life.
All that I said about you and me
The love that I had doesn’t mean a thing
If I can’t trust you when you turn away
How can I love you any way?
The night before we made a promise
You lied to my face I’m fed up with this
It hurts me more than I ever thought it would
I don’t want to say no but I know I should
It’s not just one more hill for me
To get over gracefully
Why is it so hard for you to see?
It’s a climb I can’t make there’s no maybe
It’s time for you to move on now
You know you’ve lost out on me somehow
I hear my phone ring but I can’t answer
The shaking is making my hands hurt
You told me that I was pushing you away
I’m crying out but you can’t hear me
Your drunken jokes aren’t funny to me
This hurts me more than you’ll ever see
It’s not just a regret it’s a matter of trust
I loved you so much I guess it wasn’t enough
But now you have buried me
Under the hopes of what we could be
I though you changed, you’re better than this
But you’re the same girl I don’t miss
I let you in but you’re shutting me out
This unbearable pain makes me want to shout
At you for the wrong you’ve done
I think our time has finally come
All that you told and all you said
Was lost in translation now I’m lost instead
I don’t want to touch you or see your face
The stress you’ve caused me isn’t worth your taste
I let my guard down because of our love
But after tonight I guess there is none
You were so good for so long my dear
But you slipped up with my worst fear
Third times a charm I wish it was
For all of them but I guess not for us
I showed you off and bragged to my friends
It’s really too bad it has to end
You always made fun of them for this
Now you know, I guess you couldn’t resist
I felt so bad I shouldn’t have let
You go out alone; it’s my fault I guess
But now it’s too late you’ve already crossed
The line that was drawn, my heart’s the cost
So fall asleep on the couch with your friends
Wake up in the morning and talk to me again
Dream of me sweetheart, for one last night
Because tomorrow I’ll be gone for one last time
Sunday, November 1, 2009
So remind me why facebook is good
Most intense twenty minutes ever.
Crazzy.
Overwhelmed by im's from like 4 different people.
I can't handle that.
I don't like having conversations in 1's and 0's
But anyway. Now I have to write a song.
I'm gonna tie it into this:
Scratch that. This is what is is:
This is my home
This is my life
This is my love
This is my fight
The wounds that didn't heal
The pain that I can feel
The love I know is right
Lies I told that night
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
It's been one day since
You got me convinced
Girl for the first time
In what is a long time
I'm so scared and worried
For a fear you'll hurt me
I'll try not to pretend
Once again
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
Everythings going to be okay
I'll tell myself that everyday
But it's gonna keep me awake tonight
Until the moon hides from the light
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
This is my home
This is my life
This is my love
And this is my price
That turned out a lottt better than I thought it would.
And fast.
That took me like twenty minutes.
And I have music for the intro/outro and verses.
Chorus, breakdown, and solo left.
My other half can take care of that.
I'm very pleased right now. I can't get over how good that's gonna sound.
What a good weekend for me.
No syke though.
I am worried, but I think I'm just blowing it up.
This balloons been inflated too much!
Not really though.
I have reason.
And the phone call made it worse.
Just weird.
It's too late for this.
The time that is.
I think I just reminded myself why facebook is good.
And thank you, Heather.
Conversations Through 1's and 0's by Keep Up Fresno
(I just named the song I just wrote)
Crazzy.
Overwhelmed by im's from like 4 different people.
I can't handle that.
I don't like having conversations in 1's and 0's
But anyway. Now I have to write a song.
I'm gonna tie it into this:
Scratch that. This is what is is:
This is my home
This is my life
This is my love
This is my fight
The wounds that didn't heal
The pain that I can feel
The love I know is right
Lies I told that night
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
It's been one day since
You got me convinced
Girl for the first time
In what is a long time
I'm so scared and worried
For a fear you'll hurt me
I'll try not to pretend
Once again
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
Everythings going to be okay
I'll tell myself that everyday
But it's gonna keep me awake tonight
Until the moon hides from the light
Keep me awake, love
Tell me everything I know is true
And when my hand starts to shake
Hold me until I cannot break
Keep me with you
This is my home
This is my life
This is my love
And this is my price
That turned out a lottt better than I thought it would.
And fast.
That took me like twenty minutes.
And I have music for the intro/outro and verses.
Chorus, breakdown, and solo left.
My other half can take care of that.
I'm very pleased right now. I can't get over how good that's gonna sound.
What a good weekend for me.
No syke though.
I am worried, but I think I'm just blowing it up.
This balloons been inflated too much!
Not really though.
I have reason.
And the phone call made it worse.
Just weird.
It's too late for this.
The time that is.
I think I just reminded myself why facebook is good.
And thank you, Heather.
Conversations Through 1's and 0's by Keep Up Fresno
(I just named the song I just wrote)
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