Bad bad bad

I have so much to say. I could go on forever.
But I can't speak or put it down on paper.

I need to do this.
I need to get this down so I know how I feel.
I'm heartbroken.
Crushed.
I opened up. I loved you. All I wanted was to be with you.
I gave you another chance after everything we'd tried before failed.
Everything was perfect. Things couldn't have been better.
It was so right.
I can't believe this happened. I don't know why.
I can't even think about it.
I'm not okay and I swear I never will be.
I've said it before, but this time I mean it.
That's a promise you can keep.
I don't understand why you feel like that.
It's stupid.
If you really, honestly loved me, you'd see that it will have to end at some point.
Of course.
Everything does.
But it's not about when it ends, it's about us enjoying it as much as we can before it does.
Not worrying about it ending or the hurt that comes with it.
Having fun and loving each other while we can.
I can't imagine telling you I love you now.
I never want to.
I know you'll regret this.
I know you will.
You always do.
You always always do.
And you always hurt me.
You have caused me more pain in the last year than I've ever felt before.
I've never felt like I did tonight.
I felt so weak and stupid.
Stupid for letting you in and trusting you with my feelings.
Stupid for loving you back.
Stupid for thinking it was a good thing to be with you.
All you've ever done is hurt me, why would this be any different?
I wish doing this would make me feel better.
It just makes me more upset.
I won't get over it this time.
Not now.
I said that. Any time but now.
A year from now is fine.
Just now. It's too soon.
I love you far too much to let go.
I honestly wish I'd never met you.
You've done me so much more bad than you have good.
And now, I can't let you go.
It's not worth it.
No way.
I want it to be. It would have been.
But no.
You couldn't just let this be.
Everyone has questions and doubts about things. You can't let them bother you.
You've gotta be stronger than this.
True love would be.
I'm willing to be.
I told you that what you originally wanted would work.
I understood where you were coming from.
But that's not what you want.
I'm not what you want.
You don't want to get hurt or hurt me.
But I guarantee I'll never be more hurt that I am now.
I've never wanted to be sick before.
But I do now.
Sick from the pain.
I seriously want to give up.
I want to say I don't care.
I don't want to.
But I know I do.
I do care and I want to convince you that this isn't right.
This is so wrong.
It shouldn't be like this and I know it.
I can't feel this way.
I can't feel alone like I do now.
And no one else can do anything about it.
I feel like I lost my best friend.
I did.
I need you, but not like this.
I can't let you go.